From Good Intentions to Real Connection (Part 2 of Winter Series 5786)

In an earlier article, we discussed the meaning and importance of communicating with responsibility within a relationship. Specifically, we noted that while expressing feelings is an important part of a relationship, how the feelings are expressed makes all the difference. When sharing their feelings, spouses must carefully choose their words, tone, and timing.  We illustrated the point with a fictitious exchange between Gabby and Gavi.  

An interested reader pointed out that the heated exchange “could not have come out of nowhere,” and that is undoubtedly true. In fact, there are a variety of ways that the situation could have unfolded.

For the purpose of learning some important lessons about couples' dynamics, let's take a few things for granted in the case of Gabby and Gavi:  Let’s take for granted that they’re intelligent, conscientious individuals and an overall healthy, loving couple.  And let’s take for granted that generally they each do their best to be a good husband and wife.  With that in mind, “let’s go to the video tape” and see what had been happening lately in their home:  

Gabby and Gavi have busy lives. On the occasions when they had time to spend together, Gavi was using a lot of that time to talk about himself - his experiences at work, his latest plans and ideas, conversations he’d had and his latest achievements. This is not to say he was entirely self-absorbed; he had surprised Gabby lately with presents, had done a host of chores at home and had unilaterally undertaken some hefty home-improvement projects.  Still, Gabby was becoming upset - not because of anything Gavi was doing but because of what he wasn't doing.  What Gavi hadn’t done lately was inquire of Gabby about what’s new with her, what her recent successes or challenges have been, her thoughts and ideas, or solicit her input on the home improvement projects.  

With this context in mind, we can better understand what Gabby may have been feeling when she lashed out at her husband.

Gabby’s Emotional Experience 

Gavi was speaking to Gabby only about himself, not showing interest in Gabby.  To Gabby, this meant that her welfare, her thoughts, or opinions did not matter to him.   Over time, Gabby was feeling unseen, unheard, unnoticed, unconsidered, and perhaps unloved.  She was feeling as though Gavi was relating to her as his audience rather than his life partner; and that was hurtful to Gabby.  

There’s a saying that “hurt people hurt people,” which is generally used to explain that individuals who habitually offend others, do so due to inner pain that they themselves are experiencing.  However, the saying also helps us understand why people who generally live together with love and mutual respect sometimes speak harshly to each other with harmful results.  In our case, it may very well be that Gabby’s verbal attack was just that - a strike at Gavi due to the emotional pain she was feeling. Underlying her outburst at Gavi was the hurt she felt when Gavi seemed focused only on himself and not on her, or the feeling that Gavi didn’t see her as a person to be respected and take interest in.   
 

The Path Forward 

What about the things that Gavi seems to be doing right?  He bought gifts for his wife, took part in household tasks, and even initiated projects. How could Gabby still feel hurt?  Moreover, how do Gabby and Gavi move forward from here? 

Let’s first address how they move forward: Moving forward from here is a multi-pronged process.  The first prong addresses the immediate crisis. It calls for Gabby to take responsibility for insulting Gavi, and it also calls for her to explain her feelings to him. And importantly, explaining her feelings includes laying the groundwork for the next steps to be taken as a couple.  An explanation of her feelings would include telling Gavi how she feels when he talks about himself without expressing interest in her; that she’d like to be consulted before he begins projects that affect her; and that not being consulted makes her feel insignificant to him.  With regard to his gift-giving, for example, she may try explaining that while she appreciates the efforts and gestures he’s made, they haven’t created the emotional connection they both desire. She can tell Gavi that words which convey that he cares are no less important to her than all that he’s already doing (think motions versus emotions).  This prong also includes Gavi listening to Gabby with real and evident intention to understand. 

The next prong involves a closer look at Gavi. How did Gavi - an intelligent, conscientious husband - unwittingly end up leaving his wife feeling disregarded? 

This is an important question, because most often couples in conflict consist of two good-hearted, well-meaning people who’ve found themselves trapped in a cycle that includes arguments, insults or offenses that are entirely out of character for them. 
In our next column, we will take a deeper dive into Gavi’s world to better understand what was motivating his behaviors and how he and Gabby together can set themselves on a better course.