Opening the Emotion Valve: Challenges and Strategies

Previously, we discussed “David” and his difficulties with relationships.  We learned that David had a difficult childhood and we surmised that in response to his difficulties, David protected himself by shutting out feelings. We further speculated that David then carried this coping mechanism into adulthood, whereby he would simply keep his “emotion valve” mostly or entirely closed.  Said differently: David undoubtedly experienced emotions in his life, but his range of emotional experience was often limited.  So, while the closed valve was keeping him “safe” from negative feelings, it was proving problematic in his relationships, wherein one or both parties repeatedly sensed a void.

Here, we’ll take for granted that our speculation is accurate and we’ll look at three potential challenges that arise when endeavoring to open the emotion valve, as well as strategies for overcoming them.

Self Kindness vs. Self Blame

The first challenge may be in how David relates to himself from this point forward.   Having just arrived at the understanding that he has been unwittingly placing a lid on his feelings and that doing so has contributed to his present predicament,  it would be natural for feelings of regret to surface.   Unchecked, the regret can devolve into damaging anger or self-blame over the problems he “caused himself.”

For David, self-kindness and understanding are keys to meeting this challenge.  This involves recognizing that his childhood environment was not his making; he doesn’t bear responsibility for the behaviors of those surrounding him or for any adverse events that befell him. The same is true for the coping mechanism that he employed, possibly the only one within his reach, which was potent and needed at the time.  The mechanism effectively  shut out feelings that protected himself from overwhelm and threat of unabating pain. 

To the extent that they are present, David should give voice to the feelings of regret or resentment.  Giving voice to the negative feelings pulls them out of the shadows - from where they make themselves felt, while not seen - and into the open, where he can more objectively evaluate them, place them in context and hold them up to the light of his own self-kindness and new understanding.

Fears of Change

Another challenge is one that often accompanies major changes, even changes that we desire.  Change, by its nature, carries uncertainty and for many people this alone is daunting.  The uncertainty often takes the form of questions such as: “Will I really be better off functioning differently?”  “Are there not dangers inherent in being a new ‘me’?”  “Will people who know me start saying to each other or to themselves ‘what’s gotten into David?’”

Since change is indeed hard, acknowledging the hardship is the right place to start.  There are also ways to make the process easier. One way is to undertake the process with the ongoing support of a trusted person who can offer “hand-holding” that validates and eases the fears, as well as encouragement along the way.

Another important fact to keep in mind is that the process of change being discussed here is not an all-or-nothing endeavor.  David can learn to open himself up more in certain situations, like when the environment feels safer, and keep himself more closed at other times. Ultimately, the goal is to learn how to feel and express emotions in a measured manner, rather than flood or be flooded. Under all circumstances, radical change is not the goal.

Navigating Uncharted Territory

Someone accustomed to avoiding or limiting feelings can’t simply decide to begin feeling more. Just like we’d never tell someone who says that music has not been part of his life to “just start being musical,” we can’t just tell a person to just start being more emotional. However, someone seeking to raise his emotional awareness can begin by utilizing an often-overlooked asset: the body.

Our minds and bodies are connected in countless ways, and therefore what occurs in one affects the other.  Often, the body responds to its environment in concert with the conscious mind, but sometimes it responds asymmetrically.  This means that a person may notice a change in their body before becoming aware of a change in their mood.  

For example, a person may respond to unanticipated or uncomfortable situations with sensations like tightness in their chest, pain in their shoulders, or unease in their stomach without even noting that they feel emotions like stress, anger, or sadness.  When this is happening, the mind-body connection is at work, manifesting feelings physically (“somatically”).

This dynamic alone deserves much discussion.  For our purposes, we’ll suffice with how this reality can be leveraged to aid David:  rather than trying to identify his emotions, David can focus initially on paying closer attention to his body.  At any given time, he can scan his body from head to toe and simply observe.  

Once he becomes accustomed to simply scanning and noticing, he can begin to observe with greater curiosity: Does this particular sensation tend to occur in a particular setting? With a particular person or group of people? At a certain time of day or of the week?  In this way, David can begin to notice how the world outside of him affects the world inside of him.  Over time, and with some hypothesizing and further attention, David can begin to ascribe feelings such as fear, worry, frustration, or excitement to certain situations.  In this process of self-discovery, he will compose for himself an accessible lexicon of emotions and, in turn, he will find himself better equipped to navigate and appreciate the emotional dimension of interpersonal relationships.

In short, while David’s or anyone’s past experiences affect their present, they do not need to determine their future.  Acknowledging and understanding the effects of past experiences on present functioning, clears a path for meaningful steps toward desired change.